The Only Thing
by scathachdhu
Summary: He doesn't know how much he hurts me. That's the only thing that keeps me sane.


No, I do not own Inu Yasha or any of the characters.  Really, now.

***

He doesn't know how much he hurts me. That's the only thing that keeps me sane.

Everyone knows but him. He always looks so confused when Kikyou gently dissuades him from issuing invitations that I've repeatedly refused. I could tell myself she does it out of spite, but she's not that kind of person. She knows I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings for long.

I hate this. It's a strain on all of us. He wonders why Sango blows up at him for seemingly no reason. Miroku defended him at first, but now even he is beginning to wonder. People tell me he's a jerk and not worth the trouble. But he's my best friend. I can't just leave him.

We've known each other for years. I still remember how his dark eyes narrowed and his chubby cheeks tinted red as he gruffly offered me his ice cream after I had dropped mine. He was as ungraciously generous as only a five-year-old boy can be, telling me that my crying had ruined his appetite and to take it and shut up.

We were nearly inseparable after that. I even managed to ignore his girl-hating phase, since he only bothered with the charade in public.

Then in junior high Kikyou moved to town and started at our school. She was beautiful and poised and graceful and everything that I wasn't, despite our physical similarities. He was immediately fascinated by her, and didn't seem to care who knew it. This was the boy who personified the whole concept of a macho facade, but he didn't seem to mind being seen following her around like a lovesick puppy.

He rarely spoke to her at first; seemingly content to admire her from afar.

Finally, sophomore year in high school, she consented to a date. The two of them dated off and on all through junior year. Finally, the summer before senior year, they officially became a couple.

I didn't say anything. I listened while he droned on about how smart she was, how nice she was, how the two shared some connection. I was bothered by this, not knowing exactly why. Until one day I realized. He treated her love like it was a gift.

Mine was just a given.

I see him looking at me sometimes, puzzled. I pretend not to notice, because I don't want to talk about it. He's hurt at the subtle, but definite distance I'm putting between us but confused at the way I deny it.

I finally tell him that I don't want to intrude on his time with Kikyou. He looks surprised, and pulls me into a rough hug. I'm his best friend, he tells me. I shouldn't feel that way. I hug him back, briefly, but stand firm. I'll have to do the thinking for both of us.

It wouldn't be the first time. He is pretty dense, after all.

I feel like this would be so much easier if I could hate her. But I can't. We're not friends, by any means. I hurt too much for that. But she's a good person, and I truly believe she loves him. I can't interfere with that.

***

I lost it today. He must think I'm crazy. But really, he's got some nerve getting on my case about Kouga. Anyone else can tell I don't want him. The only ones who don't seem to know are Kouga and Inu Yasha. He watched us today, as Kouga gave his daily speech about my being his woman, and I tried to politely extricate myself. No sooner does he leave, than Inu Yasha starts in on me.

Kouga's a jerk. He's a wimp. What kind of idiot would want that idiot?

It's nothing new; he says it every time Kouga hits on me. But today was different. As much as I tried to put it out of my mind, the fact that I found him and Kikyou kissing a few days before had affected me more than I wanted to admit.

It was like a damn movie set. The sun was shining (but not too brightly), the birds were singing and the sky was an obnoxiously brilliant blue. I had stumbled on them by the creek on the way back from school.

That day he told her he loved her. The fervor in his voice, the passion in his eyes; I wanted it to be for me. Why couldn't it be for me? And she accepted it as she accepted everything else, calmly and graciously. I didn't miss the flicker of sadness in his eyes, but he took comfort in the feel of her arms around him. I didn't miss how his convulsed around her, almost desperately.

I managed to stumble away without being seen. Since then I haven't been sleeping well. Or eating much.

In any case, it was awful. Instead of soothing him or brushing him off as I usually did, I snapped. I started screaming.

It was none of his business.

He had no right.

How dare he.

I know that I am not one of those girls who can cry delicately and still look pretty. My face turns bright red, my eyes swell, and my nose runs like crazy. And if I get a really good cry, I start to sweat and my hair sticks to my face. So I'm sure I looked insane, shiny and sticky, with hair plastered to my cheeks. I'm always reminded of an apple rolled in lint.

My hands curled into fists that ached to smash into his confused face as I shrieked at him.

Come on-who wouldn't leave Kikyou for me after a performance like that?

Miroku had to hold me back from attacking Inu Yasha, so he was the one who caught me when my body protested all the activity. I had, after all been denying it sleep and food, and enough was apparently enough. I passed out.

By all accounts Inu Yasha was hysterical, to the point where it took Miroku and Sango to keep him out of the nurse's office. The nurse said it was exhaustion, but he was convinced I was dying and dragged me to the emergency room. Sango, bless her heart, went with us. She knew that time alone with him was the last thing I needed.

The doctor gave the same diagnosis, stress-related exhaustion with the recommendation that I stay home for a few days.

He visited me at home every day, but I spoke little, and he didn't stay long. The third day I pretended to be asleep. He stayed and watched me anyway, speaking quietly so as not to wake me. He asked me what happened to us, and told me he wanted his best friend back. He demanded to know what was wrong so he could fix it. He said he would even keep his mouth shut about Kouga if I would just get better.

Please.

The last broke me. Inu Yasha never begged. Not for anything, not from anyone. I hated to see him like this, but I just wasn't strong enough to tell him what was really wrong. He'd be even more hurt if he knew he was the cause of my pain.

It's nobody's fault but my own.

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought.

So I opened my eyes, lifting my arm to stroke his hair. I've always loved his hair. I think it's prettier than mine. It's always neater than mine, at least. He keeps it long, and anyone who makes any assumptions as to the reason gets a quick introduction to the toe of his boot.

To me, it was just another sign of his individuality. The dark, wild mane suited him. Inu Yasha did what he wanted. Fuck everything else.

The look in his eyes broke my heart. I don't think I'd ever seen him so happy. At the moment, I thought I'd do anything to keep him looking at me like that. But I struggled to sit up, and I told myself I wouldn't break down like that anymore. It wasn't fair to either of us, and it didn't help or change matters.

I told him I was sorry I worried him. And that as much as he wanted to help me, he couldn't fix this. It was something I'd have to work out myself. I could tell he didn't like my answer, but he didn't push it. And I could tell that this wouldn't be the last time I heard about it.

***

Sango has almost forgiven him, since he's been so solicitous of me lately. Both she and Miroku have encouraged it, hoping that he would eventually "get his head out of his ass" as Sango put it. I appreciated the effort, but asked them to stop. Lying to myself won't help matters. Besides, it's not right to indulge myself at Kikyou's expense.

She and I talk sometimes. I think we understand each other. We're both appreciative of the fact that neither one has ever tried to keep him from the other. We agree that he is denser than rock sometimes.

It's all very civil.

It's been weeks since my illness, and he's finally begun to stop hovering. I feel his gaze on me in class, from time to time. And true to his word, he's even shut up about Kouga, although I've felt his disapproval ever since I finally accepted a date with the other boy.

I feel horrible. I want to get over him and move on, but I feel like I'm just using Kouga. No one deserves to be a substitute for another.

The date was a disaster. All I could think about was Inu Yasha. I zoned during the movie. I pushed my food around on my plate. Kouga was handsome, thoughtful, funny; everything I should have wanted in a date.

And at the end of the night he thanked me for giving him a chance. He looked at me sadly and said Inu Yasha didn't deserve me.

Then he held me as I burst into tears. I sobbed out my apology as he ran his hands soothingly up and down my back. Kouga was a good guy; he didn't deserve this. I suppressed my sobs as best I could. He shouldn't have to comfort me like this.

This is how Inu Yasha found us. He demanded to know what the hell was going on and looked ready to beat Kouga into the ground. Kouga simply gave him a look of disdain, lightly kissed me on the cheek and walked away. I thanked him in an unsteady voice, not wanting to look Inu Yasha in the eye.

I kept my eyes lowered until he raised them to meet his with a hand under my chin. He looked angry. Angry and hurt. He demanded to know what was wrong, and why the fuck I could tell Kouga and not him.

I shook my head, blindly, not wanting to speak. But somehow, those eyes of his forced words out of my mouth.

"I can't tell you. Please, if you want us to stay friends, just let it go." My voice broke. Been doing that a lot lately. Fuck. I swear more now, too. I'm starting to sound like him.

He looked at me with an expression on his face that I'd never seen before. I didn't know what to make of it. That scared me. I'd always been able to read him, no matter what.

I never did find out what he happened to be doing in front of my house that night.

Without another word, he let go of my chin, and gently steered me into the house with a hand at my back. He greeted my mother, and gently dealt with my hero-worshipping brother. My mother saw my tear-stained face, and the two of them shared a gaze. She was apparently satisfied with what she saw there, because she let us pass without another word.

Once in my room, he sat on my bed, and pulled me down next to him. He put an arm around me and pulled me into his shoulder. He gruffly told me that he couldn't imagine anything that could make me think he would stop being my friend. If it hadn't been for him, he said, I would have died a long time ago from chronic clumsiness and just plain being a trouble magnet.

He paused, and I wondered how much it would hurt if I slammed my fist into his jaw.

After a heavy sigh, all he said was that he didn't plan on leaving after all that. He awkwardly squeezed me once, then told me to get some sleep.

Minutes later, still feeling his arms around me in the empty room, I did.

***

I'm more or less back to my normal self. I can now tease Sango about Miroku's unorthodox courting methods. I can talk to Kouga without stammering apologies. And I can look at Inu Yasha/Kikyou/both without feeling like the knife in my heart was being twisted. It's still there, of course. The pain never goes away. I've just grown accustomed to it. Once you get to that point, it's the next best thing to not being in pain at all.

They argue more, now. I guess the honeymoon is over. It doesn't make me as happy as one might think. I can't stand to see him upset. His eyes seem filled with more duty than passion these days. When I see them together, they don't seem as happy anymore. I finally got up the courage to ask him if he was ok. He just smiled, and told me not to worry about it, that it was time he stopped depending on me so much.

That's what he said…what he meant was that he didn't think I was strong enough to take on his problems on top of my own. And as fragile as I'd been lately, I guess I couldn't blame him. Maybe it really is hormones.

We've gotten good at skirting around potentially dangerous issues. It's better than nothing, but it still makes me sad. I've never had to watch what I said around him before. I want my friend back. But since my new motto is "You can't always have what you want" I sucked it up and kept on with my life.

I managed to push all of this burning teenage angst aside long enough to fill out college applications. I chose schools based on their art programs-I'd decided I wanted to go into interior design. There was something infinitely satisfying about decorating; about being creative within a controlled space. Making a blank room into something utterly personal and totally unique.

He was still set on being a contractor. He'd done it every summer since he was twelve, working with his uncle. He couldn't imagine doing anything else, and wasn't even sure he wanted to go to college. However, to appease his parents, he promised to go to get a degree in civil engineering first, which at least was applicable to his chosen career.

We used to talk about opening a business together. No nonsense, driven Sango could handle the finance end, and Miroku, with his salesman's charm and razor-sharp insight, could do sales and marketing. Inu Yasha would build the houses, and I would decorate them. We could design them together.

Of course, no one could have guessed that by this point in time that Sango would be using Miroku as a punching bag in retaliation for his treating her as his personal squeeze toy. They wouldn't be going into business together anytime soon. And Inu Yasha and I had been reduced to polite acquaintances.

It seems like such a childish dream now.

***

I heard them fighting again today. Inu Yasha was shouting, sounding both tired and disgusted. And I had never heard Kikyou's voice sound so cutting and cold. I tried to leave before either of them saw me, but Kikyou caught me. She dismissed my stammered apologies; if we wanted privacy, she said, we should have gone somewhere else.

Later that day, she calls me, asking if we could meet somewhere and talk. I ask if she minded giving me a couple of hours so I could take a nap. Of course, my nap runs long. I had no time to change, so I wound up wearing a dingy t-shirt and some old jeans to the café she suggested. She looked as polished as ever. Her cool beauty had the attention of every man in the room.

I wondered if I was subconsciously punishing myself by playing up the dissimilarities between us and appearing as the grunge to her princess. Easier to wallow when you're dressed for the part, I guess.

She thanked me for coming, and asked if I wanted anything to drink. After ordering me a mint hot chocolate, we sat silently for a moment. I watched as she toyed with the spoon in her cup. That struck me as just wrong. Kikyou should never fidget.

She abruptly set down her spoon and announced she was breaking up with Inu Yasha. I looked at her, incredulous. She explained that it wasn't working out. He wanted more than she could give him.

"It's not unreasonable of him to ask." She said quietly. "Once he realized I was holding so much of myself back, he was bound to question it…especially after giving me so much of himself."

But she just couldn't do it, she said. He deserved someone who could and would. She said she thought she'd known for a while now that the two weren't meant to be. But she couldn't bring herself to end it with someone who saw past the mask. Everyone else saw Kikyou the ice queen. Inu Yasha sensed the lonely girl inside, and accepted her.

I understood. It would be hard to give up such unquestioning acceptance.

"I don't think he realizes how he feels about you." Her statement disrupted the pool of silence between us.

I look at her blankly, not quite comprehending her following words. I'm all he talks about when they're together. Every time a boy showed interest in me, she had to listen to why they weren't good enough. When she asked him what kind of guy he did see me with, he couldn't answer her, and quickly changed the subject. He's been worried about me for months, but is afraid to say anything. He thinks I don't like him any more. He thinks he pushed me over the edge by always coming to me with his problems.

He thinks he's losing his best friend, and doesn't know how to fix it.

We were both silent again. I didn't know he felt that way. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I struggled with what to say, finally bursting out with, "Why are you telling me this?"

She fixed me with her dark eyes. "I still care for him," she said. "This will hurt him, and he won't know where to turn. If he can still come to you with his problems, he needs to know that. I don't presume to know all of your feelings. He's hurt you badly through his ignorance, and no one would blame you for holding that against him. But please, keep in mind what I've said."

With that, she thanked me for meeting her, rose and left after leaving payment and a tip. I sat there another hour, finishing my first chocolate and nursing another one, turning over our conversation in my mind.

***

As it turned out, Miroku was the one to tell me about the breakup. Inu Yasha had gone to him first. Even after my conversation with Kikyou, it still stung a little. But I understood why now. I decided to show him that I wasn't weak. I could be strong for him as I'd always been. I wouldn't let this ruin the end of high school. College would be here soon enough, and we could all end up separated from each other. I didn't want my last memories to be tainted.

I've seen Kikyou a few times around school. I'm sure she looked normal to most people, but I could see the new fragility in her. She hadn't taken this easily. A week or so after our meeting, I walked into the lunchroom. Inu Yasha was stoically ignoring her as he sat with Miroku and Sango. I automatically started towards that table, but then I hesitated. I decided to stop at Kikyou's table where she sat, all alone.

She looked up with as much surprise as I'd ever seen her show on her face. I know this sounds weird, but like I said, I never hated her. And I couldn't really stand to see someone in that kind of pain. I asked her if I could sit down, and she nodded. We ate in silence, not really speaking. When she finished, she quietly thanked me for the company, and excused herself. I bagged the rest of my food, and went over to sit next to Sango, while the boys looked at me curiously.

Inu Yasha looked confused, but didn't speak. Why did I go over and sit with Kikyou? Well, we do have a common bond, after all. We're both hurt because we seem unable to give him what he needs. Or wants. Whatever. The other two excused themselves, leaving us alone.

I gathered my nerve and asked him if he wanted to meet after school. He nodded slightly, then asked me if I was going to finish my sandwich. I tossed it to him as I bit into my apple, and we finished eating in companionable silence.

After school, we walked aimlessly, not saying much. We never used to need to say anything. We could just be around each other, and it was okay. We finally made it to my house, and we watched a little TV. After a while, he said he'd be going, and I walked him out.

Just before he left, he smiled. It was one of his real smiles; one that lit up his dark eyes and made my breath catch in my throat. I hadn't seen it in months. "Thanks." He told me.

***

I guess it was all too good to last. I came out of lunch one day to see him and Kouga about to come to blows in the hallway. The usual insults seemed to be more barbed today. They had a vicious edge that surprised me.

"You think I'll let my best friend waste herself on a piece of shit like you?"

Inu Yasha, what…?

"At least I never hurt her."

Oh, Kouga.

"I never made her cry."

Please, stop.

"Who needs a fucking best friend like you? You cause her more pain than anybody else! Did you have to flaunt Kikyou like that? Did you have to make it so obvious that Kagome didn't matter to you?"

Inu Yasha's face went bone white. "Shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're talking about." I'd heard that tone of voice before. He uses it when he's on the verge of realizing something he doesn't want to know.

"You don't deserve her-as a friend or anything else. You're so fucking blind! Even Kikyou knew she was in love with you!"

Silence. I could hear my world crashing down around me thanks to one well-meaning, but slightly dense male friend. I could have cheerfully strangled him.

I wanted to sink into the floor. I wanted to disappear. But a tiny voice in my head (that sounded suspiciously like Sango) suggested another course of action.

Kouga's stammered apologies ended abruptly as I stalked up to him and punched him in the face. When I turned to walk away, Inu Yasha grabbed my arm. Suddenly, I was pissed at him too. I mean, how fucking stupid can you be?

So I punched him too. His already white face went even paler as all the air whooshed out of his stomach. I felt no guilt when I saw him sink to his knees next to Kouga; in fact, it felt really good…even if my hand was throbbing

As everyone watched in amazement, I took a deep breath and walked away, head held high. I grabbed Sango's arm on the way. Fuck school. I was taking a mental health day.

One pizza and a tub of ice cream later, I was feeling pretty damn good about myself. Sango couldn't stop congratulating me, and I couldn't stop grinning.

I had never planned on telling Inu Yasha. I just figured I would have to deal with it eventually on my own. But now that the worst kept secret in school was out, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. It wasn't up to me anymore. The ball was in his court, so all I could do now was wait.

I didn't speak to him for more than a week. He was obviously avoiding me, although I would catch him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking.

After all this time, I was content to wait for him to come to me. As dense as he is, I knew it would take him some time to come to terms with the new information. Not to sound conceited, but Kouga's careless words had disrupted a significant part of his world.

And besides, what else can I do? I love him.

I didn't waste the time. In the venerable tradition of many women, I indulged myself shopping. Sango hosted a sleepover, and I modeled my new clothes for her, Kagura and Rin, two other girls from school. Kagura was the resident fashion guru, and always perfectly put together. She gave me tons of tips.

So by the time Inu Yasha got up the nerve to approach me, I was feeling rather good about myself. I'd gotten compliments on my new look. Kagura had applied my makeup to subtly bring out my eyes, but concentrated on making my lips look "kissable" as she put it. I thought of it all as a big joke. It was like a silly game to make myself feel better.

I was sitting at the base of the huge tree near my house, reading a book. We had often played there as children, but the old tree hadn't seen as much of us lately.

All my new confidence fled at the sound of his feet crunching on the forest floor. I was afraid to look up at him. What if he hated me now? What if this was just an attempt to let me down gently?

I closed my book as he dropped to the ground beside me, finally looking up at him.

"Hey." Opening serve.

"Hey." Return shot. Tomorrow's leaders, ladies and gentlemen. The hope of the future.

"How have you been?" I asked. He looked so uncomfortable.

"Ok." He said automatically. Then he grimaced. "No, not really."

"I'm sorry." I said.

"I'm sorry." He stressed. "I feel like shit. All this time I've been worried about you, practically thinking you were fucking dying and it was all my fault."

I looked at him, puzzled. "What would you have done, Inu Yasha? Not fallen in love with Kikyou? Forced yourself to fall in love with me? I hope you hadn't considered pretending to love me. That's just wrong."

"Stop it!" He said angrily.

"I'm not trying to be mean. I just really want to know what you thought you could have done." I said calmly.

"Well, I…" he stopped. "I should have been able to do something." He clenched his fists, unable to meet my eyes.

"It was no one's fault. I wasn't strong enough to handle it the way I should have." I said earnestly. "If I was, you never would have noticed."

He looked up in disbelief before laughing bitterly. "Kagome, you expect too much from yourself. Most people would have gotten jealous and taken it out on me or Kikyou. You fucking internalized everything and only hurt yourself." He suddenly shouted, making me flinch. "I wasn't supposed to notice? My best friend is in that kind of pain and I'm not supposed to notice? Why didn't you fucking tell me? I had to hear from Kouga! Everybody fucking knew but me!"

I got angry in turn. "I didn't have to tell anybody! You were the only one who couldn't see! By the end I was so obvious I made myself sick! I was as bad as you were with-" I clapped my hands to my mouth as he flinched in turn.

He stood up and turned away. I listened as he struggled to calm himself, his breathing slowly smoothing out. Finally regaining control, he said, "You've always been there for me. And the first time something really bad happens to you, not only can I not help you, I'm the reason for it."

I began to grow impatient. "Inu Yasha. It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything. It's my problem, and I'll deal with it."

He sat back down, and crossed his arms. "It's our problem. I'm not losing my best friend. So I have to figure out a way not to hurt you anymore." He had that stubborn look on his face, and I knew I couldn't sway him.

I sighed. "Okay, Inu Yasha."

He blinked. "What does that mean?"

"It just means okay. I don't know what you think you can do about it, but as long as you don't plan on avoiding me anymore, that's all I'm really worried about." I shrugged.

He looked at me with something bordering on awe, and I started to feel uncomfortable. "What?" I snapped.

He opened his mouth, then closed it again, apparently changing what he was going to say. "You clean up pretty nice." Was all he said.

I slapped at him, and he dodged it, grinning. "Idiot." This began a leaf throwing war that ended when he collapsed in mock exhaustion at my feet.

A comfortable silence grew between us, and I began to think everything really would be okay.

"You know," he said slowly. "Once I got used to the idea…it didn't seem so weird anymore." He sat up carefully.

The smile on my lips from our earlier horseplay froze, and I swallowed. I felt hot and cold at the same time, and couldn't meet his eyes. "Inu Yasha…"

"Yeah?" he was looking into the distance, wanting to give me space although unwilling to actually move away.

"I can't be your rebound." Part of me wanted to take the words back, to say I'd take him any way I could have him. But I plowed on. "And I can't be the way you were with Kikyou. I want as much back as I'm putting in."

Part of me was afraid he would be angry. After all, he made himself incredibly vulnerable even speaking the words. I was surprised to feel his hand on my cheek, turning my face towards his.

I felt my breath catch at being this close to him. I could feel his breath hitting my mouth, and all I could think about was whether or not it looked kissable enough.

"You shouldn't have to settle for anything less." He said gruffly. He carefully tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Anybody who won't give you that doesn't deserve you."

I froze, as his hand traced its way from my ear, along the line of my jaw. My heart stopped as it ran along the line of my lower lip. I'm sure he felt it tremble.

Pulling back, he settled his back against the trunk of the tree, folding his arms in their habitual position. "I'll wait." He stated simply. "I'll be here when you decide you're ready." He closed his eyes, signifying the end of the conversation.

I sat there stiff for another moment, then mechanically picked up my book. I opened it at the bookmark and stared blindly at the page for a few minutes as I collected myself. 

Sneaking a peek over at Inu Yasha, I saw he still had his eyes closed. I buried my head in my book in a feeble attempt to hide my huge, goofy smile.

I had time.

And he'd be here when I decided I was ready. That was the important thing.

The only thing.


End file.
